I had every intention Of telling you what’s been Floating around my heart – The way my stomach Double dips every time I think about you
I had every intention Of confessing my desire To let my fingers Do the walking all over Your smooth, honey-toned body As I explore the ridges Hills, valleys and planes Of your landscape
My truest intention Was to let you know That I desire more than Want you, like I desire Air and water for life I say desire because A want manifests a lack And there is no lack here Just a desire for more and more
My body intends To warm itself in The fire of your presence Just as my soul Intends to bond with yours And find solace in the Knowledge that we are as one
I have every intention Of making my intentions known I intend to bring them To reality ‘Cuz I believe that your Intentions match mine So Are you ever going to Verbalize those intentions of yours?
Standing on the sand, gray with the mood of the evening, gray with the knowledge in my soul ... I am lost...
Watching the waters turn red with the glow of the dying sun, red with the love that pours out of me ... I am lost...
The sound of happiness bubbling all around me mocks the dire straights of my being ... taunts the sorrow and annoyance that threatens to creep up my legs , clawing at me from deep within the sand under my feet...
I hate this feeling ... I can't stand that I must stand here and be this way...
I hate the feeling of helplessness ... I detest the knowledge that you're making yourself this way and dragging me along in the process...
Stop it! Get over it!
Shouting at you from the other end of this beach of sadness and annoyance, my voice lost in the wind ... LISTEN TO ME... HEAR ME ... I know you're not deaf...
There you are ...standing cat-a-corner ... instead of facing me like you should... look at me ... look to me ...turn your back on yesterday and stand in today, so that i can face you tomorrow...
I'll stand here, but I'm not so sure how long I'll be here - at least not alone ...
But we can actually be here forever or choose to walk away ...
I miss you I miss your spirit And your smile I miss your warmth And how it envelopes me I miss the security That your solidness brings … I miss you.
I have no one to chat with No one to eat with No one to be silent with No one to just BE with… I miss you.
What are you up to… What have you done… Have you even thought About me and just how much I miss you?
I miss you And in missing you I have learned something about me … Your presence is dear to me Because I like you I miss your smiling face Because I care for you The absence of your aura Around me leaves me cold Because I love you.
I have always professed that there is a thin line between being a Christian and being stupid, and for the most part I have stayed on the right side of that line, choosing to be a fool only for God.
I have now discovered another line. This is the one between being understanding and fed up, and it is becoming apparent that the tip of my shoe is firmly on that line and sliding slowly into FED-UP-NESS.
As the leader of a ministry at my church I have heard and seen it all. The thing is that I have been involved with this ministry for over half of my life, save two years when I wanted nothing to do with anything remotely Catholic – so we are looking at approximately twenty-four years of service.
I sometimes wonder if I am some sort of mutant being because I tend to put this service before other things whether I am leader or not. I don’t attend most functions – family or otherwise – if they are set on Sundays. I try to be back from the inevitable meeting or brunch in time to be rested and refreshed for 5pm when I am due to be at the church. It is rare that an ailment keeps me from where I need to be.
I’m not saying this in an attempt to make myself look better than anyone else – far from it because believe you me I ain’t no saint. I am saying this however in an attempt to somehow understand the behavioral patterns of some of the members of my ministry who seem to have no problem putting everything and everyone else before the commitment that they have VOLUNTARILY made, and why is it that they have a hard time understanding that I am pissed off at the end of the day when I have no musicians or voices.
Hence my question – WHEN IS IT OKAY TO BE FED UP??
Is it okay when I have people calling me at the 99.9th hour to tell me that they are stuck in the ‘back of beyond’ with no ride in site? Did they ever intend to be present in the first place?
Is it okay when I get to the church and I decide to call people to inquire as to their whereabouts and I am then nonchalantly told “Oh – sorry – ah cyah make it”?
Is it okay when I am pulled on the carpet and rakes over the coals by priest and parishioner alike about the inconsistencies of my ministry and what do I intend to do about it as LEADER?
Is it that I must be long suffering because I am the leader? Do I smile and grin outwardly when inside I am boiling?
When am I allowed to honestly express my lack of enthusiasm with a group that seems to function at their convenience and not as prescribed?
Is it okay to say that I currently lead a phantom group of ever disappearing members?
How do I make my feelings known to a people whoa re never around? Is it that I need to email them?
Why is it that someone always has to be called before they can say that they will not be there?
What happened to the commitment to serve? Is it that it expires after a certain number of years?
I remember a few years ago I made the statement that I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted with church life, but I’m still here.
Well … multiply that first feeling by 100 and see and feel how I do at this point, particularly when I feel like I am standing alone in the wilderness with no support from the people that I supposedly lead.
I know that we are now grown and that commitments will change with age and status, as well as the advent of additional responsibilities, but have we not one measly hour to spend with the Lord?
I had a conversation this morning with one of me home girls.We were actually bemoaning the generation that followed us into the world, and after a while I smiled and then giggled to myself as it dawned on me that I – we in fact – had become all the things that we vowed not to … the kind of people who compared our generation to the next.
I do believe that this particular comparison was however warranted.
We were discussing the lack of finesse in the generation after.The finesse I refer to has to do with the relationship tip of life.What has happened to flirting, coquettish batting of eyelashes, side-long glances, suggestive smiles and witty banter and repartee?
Has anyone else noticed that everything sexual, relationship based or even vaguely suggestive is just ‘out there’?Where and when did it change?
I remember the days – God I sound old – when a fella had to guess and do some serious math to know what a particular look from a woman meant or what the touch of her hand meant or even a word or sentence.He had to do the research … ask friends … talk to other females … whatever was needed in order for him to be sure that he wasn’t misreading the signals.And it was the same for us girls at times, although our male counterparts were not and – sorry fellas – still are not as ‘poetic’ as we girls were and are.I mean come on … do any of the young men today have a clue about double entendre and good old fashion punning?Are they no longer paying attention to the men who started it all – James Bond and The Saint?
Conversations from a few years ago went like this
Male: hey beautiful
Female (if responsive): well aren’t you sweet
Male: you have no idea
Female: oh really now … how sweet
Male: I could give you cavities
(poor line we know, but a responsive female would lap this shit up)
Female: good thing I know a good dentist … (here’s where the shifting of position takes place, in order to let the man know that she’s interested, but not so drastic a shift as to give the shit away…)
Male: you have beautiful eyes
Female: thanks … (here comes the fluttering of the eyelashes all of a sudden … the poor man is besotted)
Male: can I buy you a drink?
Female (to continue the mystery): maybe another time
She make then get up and touch his arm as she walks away, just to make contact, ad the poor besotted fool is left there to stare after her or begin questioning the other men there as to who she is and where she can be found again.That is what mystery is all about…
Here’s what that same convo sounds like today
Male: hey
Female: hey
Male: wanna fuck?
Female: sure
Male: my place
Female: no mine – I have waffles…
I mean… come the hell on!
What’s left people??!I yearn for the days of mystery in relationships.I would love to see people actually date instead of just hooking up and being used up.
I long to see young people holding hands and stealing kisses instead of dressing like street walkers and acting like whores on corners – male and female.
I know that this may sound bitter but it’s not bitterness … it’s sadness really… it’s a mourning for the days of gentile behaviour and true love – the kind of love that grew from TAKING THE TIME TO KNOW EACH OTHER…
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