Naked...

The state of my heart The state of my mind The state of my soul The state of my body I am here, naked before you You, my world … the world Vulnerable for all the world to see Open to your mockery To your pointed fingers To your jeering laughter As I try in vain to hide my true self Covering my heart and my head This is the state that you YOU have left me in This is where you walked away As soon as you have seen What you wanted to What I had hesitated to show I find, however, that I am not alone And He has come in and covered me He has moved my hands away And spread His love all over me And I am adorned in rainbows And clouds, and joy and peace And love, and light and smiles I am no longer naked You can leave now … the show is over Your apologies are hollow Just like the lies that they are built up on Go away … you who have used and abused The inner me, the inner sanctum that You have vandalized in the name of “CARE” Your words were sweet, at first Now they burn … they burn my ears I see them and I cringe I need for you to leave I am clothed, I am free I am no longer violated You are no longer welcome You will never, ever again See me Naked.

STASIS...

That place where souls sit and wait For the last few miles to fade before Their dreams come true That corner of the desert where mirages appear Taking your focus away from the goal at hand Mirages that offer sinfully, delightful promises Promises that you know are impossible to keep But promises that reach your soul none the less The people who suck the energy out of your dreams And the bed where you lay the now empty shells In the hopeless hope that they would spring to life Again That place in the mind where you have put yourself Through your constant inaction From your ever present lethargy Caused by your doubt Fed by your indifference Borne of your fear Fear of all that is Imperative… The need for change which happens through Movement Caused by faith Pushed by knowledge That the only constant is The same change And change of all --- Mind-set, atmosphere, surroundings, ALL THINGS All of the things that have Kept you were you are Swimming in the stagnant ooze Of a swamp called Stasis

WANTED & NEEDED: INTERVENTION

Today is one of those days when the only thing that comes to mind is the overwhelming need to SCREAM… It’s been a while since I’ve had one of these … but it feels the way it always does … heavy, annoying, attention-grabbing, yucky. It’s one of those days when everyone that I speak to tells me that I need to let go of the past. It’s one of those times when people are surprisingly intuitive where I’m concerned and are really concerned that I get out of the funk. That happens because people can’t properly deal with me in this mood. They expect ‘Happy Deemay’, ‘Bubbly Deemay’, ‘Always willing to help Deemay’. It’s off putting when the person who normally picks up the pieces needs to have her pieces picked up. OH MY GOODNESS!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GONNA DO??! YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THE HEALER NEEDS HEALING???! Yes, she does. She needs to be held and comforted and talked to and soothed. She needs to hear that someone is there for her, and not just to offer her lip service and platitudes. She needs genuine concern and feeling. Basically … she needs love … agape … filial. She needs her troupes to gather themselves together and be available for her. She needs for them to know this intrinsically and not have to be told. Where’s the Ben & Jerry’s What-A-Cluster or the bottle of Manischewitz Blackberry that would soothe her savaged soul and ravaged feathers? Where is the phone call that lets her know that someone out there … anywhere is in tune with what ails her, even though she’s still tryng to figure out precisely which one of her situations has brought on the feeling of fucked up blue funk that she is currently waddling through… Dear Lord, make this crap go away! Whatever the ties that need to be cut, let them be cut. Whatever the fear that lingers then let it leave …. Just free me from this feeling of free-falling into the Land of Melancholia. I can’t live there ... I WON’T live there … somebody please, PLEASE come get me… My hands are reaching skyward, and I’m waiting… Hurry.

16 DIFFERENT WAYS TO SUNDAY ...

So here it is, I’m at the start again, and trying to make sense of this crazy lil thing hat shall remain nameless.

I know that people believe that they are being helpful. I know that they think that wisdom is the thing that I crave. What they don’t get is that the thing I need most is CONSISTENCY… and I need it in all things, particularly in things concerning MY HEART.

I’m constantly being told to turn myself around – as in reinvent myself. Everyone knows PRECISELY what’s right for me, and it’s all conflicting.

Be forthcoming … be mysterious; tell him what’s on your mind … don’t say anything; be shy … be bold…

WTF??! There’s only one of me; yet everyone is trying to break me into tiny little pieces. Am I really that naïve? Is it that the life I’ve led in the past forty-odd years has really left me so cloistered and unprepared for the world?

I don’t think that I’m seeking the impossible, and I don’t believe that I’m being unreasonable. I require very little to keep me happy … I want respect, trust, love, affection, honesty … consistency. I could demand these things, but I don’t. I TRUST that the man who wants to be with me will willingly give these things and give them abundantly.

It is still amazing for me to have to realize that as a WOMAN, I’m the one who has to bend myself 16 different ways to Sunday to please the male of the species. Question is, who is bending himself into knots and twists just to keep me happy? And is he going to do so willingly and be patient while I figure out what it is I really need?

Should you be strolling through town and you find one or more of these gems, would you kindly send him way? The fact is that I have found one of them … he just doesn’t know how wonderful he Is as yet … but he will! (Wink, wink)

BE FREE … FREE ENOUGH TO ACCEPT YOUR HAPPINESS.

It’s the strangest thing but I’ve just discovered – well not really JUST – but discovered nonetheless that we are sometimes so chained to the idea of being melancholy that we can actually fear our awaiting happiness.

There really isn’t anything new under the sun, and I know that someone else has already had the particular AHA! Moment, yet it is quite amazing to me that so many of us live in a perpetual state of waiting for the other shoe to fall.

A prime example is my relationship record. I don’t love easily, but when I do love I love hard. As a result I have sat idly by and watched myself get taken advantage of, all in the name of L-O-V-E. There have been a couple of instances when I have overextended myself and taken the stories given to me to heart in order for me to give and give and give of my best, while I received crumbs in return. Nevertheless I pressed forward, sure and assured that the love was there and it would grow.

As we say in local parlance – SALT! That is what I was presented with in the end … salt. Recently, I took myself out of a particular equation and finally admitted that I was constantly being sucker punched. Therefore the decision was finally and clearly made that I needed to save ME. The one who was constantly showered with my affection, effort, understanding, absolution … this same one who gave nothing but fragments in return, has been set free to sit in his proverbial pile of filth … toxic baby mama and all … thereby freeing me to explore the other options that were being presented to me.

This is where it gets interesting. Not only was I being shown another way to be with and around a grown man who behaves like one and was and is showing me the interest and affection that one should expect, here I was … waiting for the other shoe to drop. I find myself looking for and hoping to find phantoms that would give justification to the way that I felt. There had to be something wrong hidden somewhere and I was going to find it dammit!

The sad thing is that I spent so much time looking for what wasn’t there that I almost missed the boat completely. That’s when it dawned that I needed to free myself from all of the paraphernalia of the past and allow myself to be free enough to accept my happiness and everything that goes with it.

It sounds like an insurmountable task … it also sound like some sort of twisted chicken soup for the soul, but it isn’t. The key to this freedom is knowing that as a child of the Most High, happiness is a given. Worry is a learnt habit. We’re not born to worry, but we gain the knowledge from those around us. Worry is particularly fascinating for the female of the species, but I digress.

Give yourself permission to laugh and smile and enjoy things genuinely.

The good things are all pre-ordained. The nasty little surprises along the way are the things that we manifest via worry, doubt and distrust.

Bless UP!

IT'S MY PEN & I'LL WRITE IF I WANT TO ...

The Silly Season is upon us and some of us are now way past Silly and have sailed swiftly into Insipid Village.

I refer to some of the goings on of the various so-called political parties. It would seem that it is true that any jackass with an ideology and a ‘dream’ can jump in and form a party. Okay – fine … but are these parties ‘All-Inclusive’ or are they gearing strictly towards one and only one goal?

If you were to speak to any of the leaders of these political fetes, they would say to you that their main concern is GOOD GOVERNANCE FOR ALL, but the TRUE and thinly veiled agenda is the REMOVAL of the CURRENT LEADERSHIP.

What’s funny is that if you ask the ‘NEW’ leaders what their plan is, they say promptly “Remove P MANNING from the helm of this country with IMMEDIATE effect!” Go on to ask “Okay – what next?” You would notice the silent and distinct pause. That is because the majority of them haven’t thought that far ahead – they just know they want control and power. ‘SILLINESS’.

What’s your plan? How are you going to fix what you believe the Government has messed up? Has it occurred to you that Trinbagonians are better off than many of our Caribbean brothers and sisters? Did you know that senior citizens in America, Canada and other parts of the world do not receive pension payments at the end of the month from the Government, but ours do? Are you aware that the majority of them live on the pensions that they MAY have been lucky enough to contribute to and/or Social Security checks, and that a social security check and NOTHING are practically the same thing???

There are questions that I need to have answered for, and I need them from the various members of the Public Political.

So … here’s my list beginning with :~

The Pipe Queen …

- Why should I trust you with the public purse when ‘the lining of one’s pockets as well as those of friends and family” was the order of the day under your party’s previous incarnation – one of which you were a card carrying member and party to?
- How can I trust you to look after education when the hallmark of your stint as Minister of Education were:~
o The opening of a school above a rum shop (bar)
o The cessation of corporal punishment – which gave rise to a generation of bullies with no respect for authority and the law, who grew up to become career criminals
o The “Chicken Licken” school phenomenon – where students who received low scores in the common entrance/SEA examinations were stored like cattle in ‘schools’ that boasted such challenging reading as “Learn to tell Time” and “Chicken Little”. This, I am sure you will remember, saw to it that we raised a generation of people with no self-pride … people who were convinced that there was no hope fore them --- fodder for the URP and CPEP programs.
o The secret opening, staffing and populating of the first campus of the Trinidad and Tobago Institute of Technology exclusively with people of East Indian decent.
o The closure of all youth camps across the country. Did you know that a youth camp was not only a place of incarceration for juvenile delinquents, but also a place where the young, struggling but ambitious could take themselves to in order to learn a trade and relevant life skills? Did you even care???
o The stopping of all OJT (On the Job Training) programs which allowed the youth to gain the relevant EXPERIENCE needed to further themselves in the working world
o The human and material resource starvation of the San Fernando and John Donaldson Technical Institutes, so that they became basically haunted shells, causing a generation of young people to have nowhere to turn in order to earn degrees in studies such as Design, Electronics, Electrical Skills, etc.
- Why should I dare to place myself and my loved ones in your hands when all that you see is the need for Power, not to EXECUTE LEADERSHIP? There is a HUGE difference here.
- How am I supposed to take you seriously when your greed for Power has sent you down the road of supposed Unity? You have joined forces with a bunch of people whom in the past you have SAID you don’t respect – inclusive of the motley crew of supposed labour leaders. You spewed venom at the bubble headed grey-headed weakling who leads a party whose deputy political leader scoffs at this supposed unity. Is it that you honestly believe us to be blind, dumb and forgetful??? Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder could see that this is a white wash.

You have surrounded yourself with individuals whom you believe can make enough noise with smoke and mirrors so as to deflect the populous’ eyes and thoughts from the issues at hand.

EPYC PHAYLE!

Now ... I am not saying that what has transpired at times with the present regime has all been glorious and clear … it hasn’t. Yes, there are glaring instances of inaccuracy, stupidity, payola and the tendency to turn a blind eye and an empty head to what is directly under one’s nose, and it seems to be a particular affliction of the PM. At this point I am very comfortable with the notion of re-electing the PARTY and changing the LEADER – maybe it’s time for Patos’ to take five and to let the ‘DOGS’ out and see what they can do!

By the same token anyone with a brain that has some firing synapse left would know that the current regime has accomplished a ton more than your fly by night band of thieves have. Note that it has ALWAYS been like that. Yes, as the Former president said many years ago on one YOUR joint political platforms, “Everybody ‘tief”, but it is obvious that more has been done with the public purse than was done under your former regime.

People bitch, moan and complain – it is their right to do so. It is also a right that people are taught that as a nation, MORE of us are employed than in other islands. You have encouraged John Public to raise hell about the buildings being constructed … let me ask you this. Should your 5-headed monster succeed (HEAVEN FORBID) do you think that Patos’ is going to break them down like so many Lego bricks and take them with him? Do you think that he is going to dig the Official Prime Minister’s residence up and plant it in the back yard of his private home?

Have you even listened to how stupid – yes STUPID - and uninformed some of your arguments are??? What’s going to happen if your BewilderedBeast pulls this off and labour forms a part of the Executive? What are you going to say to your backers who come out of the Retail, Service, Manufacturing and Industrial sectors? Are you going to block the increase of the minimum wage? I won’t even bother to ask about the inclusion of the bald-headed ox-like moron … will you be able to control her stupidity that springs eternal and effervescent with the coming of each Gibbous Moon??? Best of frickin’ luck with that one!

As for me and my house … we will have none to do with you and your ilk.

Yes there are things that need to be changed and fixed within the ruling party … that’s call evolution. But by the gods, there is no room for you and your monster. You are not ready – no matter what your US-based strategist says … no matter how much you transform yourself into ‘U.S.-POLITIC-WOMAN-A-TRON’ … morphing into HILLARY MICHELLE RODHAM CLINTON OBAMA – with the haircuts, suits and Sarah Palin-esque lapel pins. That ain’t nothing but window dressing and it so does not ring true!

The Pen pauses here … but she’ll be back soon!

Goodbye to You, My Trusted Friend ...

John Bevan Foard … if you said that name to anyone in Maryland, they would look at you cross-eyed.

Punkey Foard … now THAT would get you one of two things – a grimace or a smile.

Punkey was known from one end of the state to the next. He was also famous in the farming communities in Pennsylvania … all over DC and the rest of the East Coast. They knew and respected him in Europe as well as South America, where he would go to shop for Valley View Farms. Then there’s the Trinidad and Tobago connection, as well as St Lucia, Belize and various other parts of the West Indies.

Those of us who knew of his passing on Sunday evening said goodbye to Punk’ this morning in just the way he wanted – simply, quietly, without fuss and fanfare.

We sat quietly in the Chapel at the Crematorium and reminisced about the man we all knew and loved.

I’ve always looked on Punkey as another father, so that finding out yesterday that he was gone hit me hard – perhaps harder that I was prepared to deal with. It honestly felt like I had lost my father all over again … so fierce was the pain in my chest.

I looked at the faces sitting in that little chapel. Most of us wore the same shocked and disbelieving expression. I listen as Kathy told us what were his instructions regarding his ashes and I realized that Punkey was really a romantic soul. That’s not really a surprise … I believe he honestly loved everyone that he met.

Yes there were times when he knowingly or inadvertently rubbed those same people the wrong way, but deep down he had everyone’s best interest at heart.

Today I said goodbye to my friend, my second father, my benefactor and someone who made it possible for me to laugh heartily and laugh often, even on days when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die.

Thank you Punkey for the privilege of being a preteen at many a lavish table at the Hilton, the Normandie, Chaconia and Holiday Inns. Thanks for New Year’s Eve parties at La Boucan or at home … for Sunday evening roof top dinners at fine restaurants. Thanks for the gift of knowledge given and the opportunities to explore beyond my comfort zone … for chances to witness new and different cultures and sights in my youth – both at home and abroad.

You got me into mischief, into trouble and always managed to get me out of it… Thanks for supplying me with a ton of ‘big brothers’ and additional cousins.

You threatened to ‘cuss down’ my ex-boss when you thought she had no respect for my ‘personal off time’ – proof yet again that you really were my persona protector.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is … Thank You Punkey, for making me a priority in your life when you really weren’t obligated to.

I love you, I miss you, I’m blessed to have known you…

Go with the angels and Rest in Peace.

HOW TO ROMANCE A PISCES ...

I received this message in the mail … take a look … I think it’s pretty accurate (smile)

The following is a brief overview of how someone with their Sun, Moon, or rising sign in the sign of Pisces may behave in romantic relationships.

Pisces live for love, but they don't just want any old relationship ... they want to lose themselves by fully merging with a soul mate. The words "love bug" and "cuddle bunny" come to mind when thinking of a Pisces in love.

Both women and men of this sign crave relationships, and are happiest with someone to connect with deeply. Ironically, those of this natural 12th sign (the sign and house of isolation and retreat) don't do so well alone... though they can be very shy and sensitive, causing them to hibernate.

I call them the "best-kept secret in town..."

Unless afflicted, they're generous, soulful, romantic people who make supportive, giving partners. They so long for union and deep connection that they have to be careful of "settling" and not holding out for that soul mate. Their attachments can be fickle and fleeting, causing them to "love the one they're with."
You see, this is a water sign and a mutable one to boot - meaning, they tend to change with the scenery, and so can their emotions. One moment they're weeping at a TV commercial about kittens, the next they're laughing at something funny in an email, and the next they're sharing deep wisdom about a spiritual truth.
So you never can be sure who's going to answer the door when visiting these "fragile flowers." Pisces is symbolized by two fishes swimming in opposite directions - there are many interpretations of what this means; but the symbol of water almost always means the emotions, and swimming in two directions is indicative of the sometimes confused, indecisive way they move through life.
So many things can seem interesting, and draw their focus. This is considered the most thin-skinned, impressionable sign of the zodiac, so it's critical that they surround themselves with those who honor their tender feelings and are healthy.
They have to be very careful who they give their heart to, because over time they'll morph into a version of that person - taking on their beliefs, mannerisms, style, and values.
You know those people who grow to look like their pets? They're probably Pisces.
In love, they follow their heart over their head, and have to be extremely careful of picking lovers who aren't good for them.
This is the sign most likely to say the dreaded words "but I LOVE him," when treated
badly. OVER-GIVING, over-accommodating, putting the needs of the other person FIRST, and avoiding confrontations at all costs are the greatest challenge of these watery beings in all of their relationships.
They have yet to learn that the word "no" is a complete sentence - and an actual word!
This is the natural sign of volunteering and self-sacrifice, so they make the best counselors, teachers, and consultants; but they should avoid picking partners who
need HELP, and do all that counseling, teaching, and consulting ON THE CLOCK and FOR PAY - not in their private lives...
One of their other romantic strengths and challenges is that Pisces is ruled by Jupiter - the most wise and optimistic planet in the solar system. So, their Jupiterian nature LOVES to uplift and inspire others, and always believes in the best of people, only seeing their good qualities, and giving them too much benefit of the doubt. Let's just say they could use a few more "street smarts" and a little less empathy.
Jesus' advice to "turn the other cheek" and forgive endlessly is a VERY Piscean ideal … beautiful but potentially dangerous in one-on-one relationships.
Speaking of Jesus, Pisces LOVE having a spiritual life, able to easily meditate and take to other spiritual practices such as yoga and chanting.
They're often found in places of spiritual retreat such as yoga classes, ashrams, and
monasteries.
(This is the sign of mystics...)
And they LOVE the arts - especially the emotional arts like music, drama, and poetry. They're creative, alluring dreamers and need a partner who appreciates what they have to contribute.
Because of their deep, soulful emotional sensitivity, they have great spiritual gifts and
incredible intuition. Pay attention to their "take" on things, and their advice - their gut instincts are always right on, even though they aren't skilled at following them themselves...
Their intensity of feelings can lead them to self-medicate and do things to NUMB OUT - such as over-eating, over-spending, or drinking and drugs...
Let's just say boundaries, structure, and doing "grown up" things like paying the bills on time and keeping their affairs organized aren't their strength.
"Going with the flow" and soaring to high creative, mystical heights are. They long to please, and don't mind letting a lover lead - especially in the bedroom. (Wink, wink...)
If in love with a Pisces, be sure to be a patient listener - they NEED to share their
innermost thoughts and feelings and thrive on lots of attention...
They feel soothed by animals and nature, and especially enjoy being around water. When stressed, they need to withdraw from the world. The best way to comfort a Pisces is through something soft and loving - they long to be touched, massaged, bathed, and petted. They DO NOT respond well to "tough love" or constructive feedback, and take any criticism way too hard.
Though they're MORE than willing to admit their faults - and take the blame for things that are not their responsibility. When upset, they'll withdraw and pout, being a "silent screamer" over any other kind.
A Pisces will almost never speak in anger or be cruel unless something else is going on in their stars. In fact, it takes A LOT to make them angry - they'll give and give and give and give and give and give, all the while saying, "I'm fine..."
But they do have a limit, and when they hit it - WATCH OUT. Silent screaming begins... And it's deafening!
On dates they'll love Hallmark Card moments - walks hand-in-hand by the ocean, the sharing of innermost feelings, reading by the fire, watching the sunset, and gazing deeply into their lover’s eyes. They'll prefer quiet nights for two to exciting
social events with groups.
Though natural homebodies, they love to travel, especially to distant far-flung places or islands.
To win one over, do something heroic and generous like rescue a lost dog, or feed the
hungry … read up on the lives of saints and the teachings of the world's religions. Memorize lines of Rumi and Shakespeare, and have lots of candles, bubble bath, and mood music on hand.
If you're willing to be the more "in the world," organized person of the two of you and
remain un-phased by their moods, this can be a lover and partner to be so grateful for.
There's nothing they won't do for the one they love. So life with a Pisces will be a dreamy, romantic adventure, full of snuggles, support, art, and passion.
You may not know that there are actually THREE signs within the sign of Pisces, each with even more distinct, specific personality "quirks" and emotional needs.
You see, the very first system of astrology, Vedic astrology of India, looks to twenty-seven smaller constellations called "nakshatras" that were later incorporated into the twelve Greek signs. It's these twenty-seven signs that tell you what you REALLY need to know - who you are, what matters most to you, and who you best get along
with.
Knowing what constellation a man is born into is THE way to know what he really needs and wants when it comes to love - and if you're compatible with him or not.
May God and his planets and stars shower you with love!
Carol Allen
Yep! That’s us alright!

BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH ...

I am a Literature buff from a ways back. I’ve always loved the written word, and have since developed quite the love for the spoken word as well. Words are soothing to me…

One of the books that I studied at examination level in ‘High School’ was Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar, and one of the lines that has been stuck in my head since then is “Beware the Ides of March!”

I remember having been particularly offended the first time I heard that line because of my understandable affinity for the month of March. It is after all the month of my birth … and while my birthday is nowhere near the 15th, I happen to be offended by any reference to ill-will that may occur in the beautiful month of March.

Ah, the innocence of youth. How I long for the days when bad news, disappointment and – well – disgust came as such a shock to your system that it could actually shut you down. Now the jadedness of perceived ‘seniority’ may make you ill at such occurrences but they generally roll off of one’s back like so much water.

I must confess that my own encounter with the Ides of March could not have been prepared for … but then again it could have been. I suppose that I am just overly sensitive right now … who knows. Prepared or not, it’s always a devastation when the people that one has held closest to one’s chest turns out to be the ones that literally stab us in the back.

There aren’t many people that have had the privilege to be let into my inner sanctum, but it looks like I’m going to have to pull a couple ‘membership cards’ from some of the people in there. What good is it when one attempts to build up resources and those same resources have no problem spitting you out on Idus Martiae (Latin, Ides of March). Others have said to me that I need to ‘let it go’, that that is the way that they would handle it. I do so solemnly wish that I could just dust off and press on. It is a little difficult when the individual involved has cut so close to the bone. My mother has this saying that she uses from time to time that says that it is always worse when you’re bitten by your own flea. Well that is precisely the way that I feel right now. Oh I know that I have to put on my big girl panties and deal with it, and believe me I will. Right now on the other hand, I need to take this time to reconstruct my ‘fortress’, as there seems to be some bricks that may need to be chipped away.

And like Caesar, I was warned … I had my own seer, but like Caesar, I ignored the warning. Now, again like Caesar, I am forced to turn and look at that brick and ask “Et tu Brute?!”

I find it all so unfortunate, ironic and just garden-variety wretched that in this world, it could be so hard to find like minded spirits to share ones inner self with …

What happened to honor … what happened to actual friendship, and support? Is it that most people have now come to the point of being friends through convenience, and as soon as they have achieved their own Zen and Xanadu, they then disavow the others who have to this point been there for them? Should that be the case then yet again I am forced to hold tight to what little faith I have left in our Humanity.

The good news is that I am approaching the end of my own tunnel, but theirs is still waiting in the wings … and in true Pisces form I will probably be there yelling that they beware there own Ides of March.

That’s the way that I’m made up … it is a part of me that I love – my ability to love others no matter what … and it is another object lesson to me along the way, and I have learnt from it to I am thankful, and I will be more thankful as soon as I reach around and pull the dagger out that had been so firmly SLAMMED into my spine!!!

“Joy Cometh in the Morning”, and I will be the better for it.

LENT, LENTEN, LENTILS???

I wonder if it’s just me … but at the beginning of each Season of Lent, ever since I was a child, my imagination always connected Lenten-tide (is that a word??) with Lentils.

Maybe it was that peas and beans featured heavily and still do on my family’s menu during this period, and my favorite is still lentils … maybe it was jut the play on words. I don’t know, but there’s something.

The funny this is that on Friday last, I went home to find a pot of sweet smelling stewed lentils on the stove. There were other things too but that was the first thing that all of my senses recognized and craved.

I sat in my now Happy Place with my bowl of lentils before me … smile on face and spoon in hand, and savored that first taste. Life was good – in fact life was wonderful!

As I ate, I thought of how nutritious these little power packed legumes are. Lentils are recognized as being a protein-packed meat substitute; in fact one web-page declared that “Lentils are to India what meatloaf is to America” (http://www.eating.health.com/2008/02/01/worlds-healthiest-foods-lentils-india ).
Amazing isn’t it?

Here’s something else that’s amazing. Lent is a season that constantly calls us back to the goodness of our Lord and Saviour. We are invited to “Taste and See that the Lord is Good” (Ps 34:8); to note “What marvels the Lord as done for us …” (Ps 105:5); and we are then invited to the biggest and most important of feasts – The Last Supper (Matt. 26:1-29)

This would make the wonderful Word of God our Spiritual Lentils as it were. We should see each and every pearl of wisdom as our Spiritual Food, but there are times when we forget – and that’s us – human…

We need to continue to nourish our souls with the Word of God. Shoot, it’s the best diet – right??? Well … Spiritually anyway. We really do need those lentils in the real world.

I was having lunch yesterday (Sunday) when it came to me that I am to liquid fast on Wednesdays for Lent, from six to six, and to endeavor to pray every hour on the hour. I will do my best to complete this task and I ask for your prayers and support (big girls don’t fast well  ).

Have you decided what your additional Spiritual activity is going to be this Lent? Maybe you’re going to give something up or add something special in … it’s up to you.

Whatever you do, be blessed in and with it, and don’t forget your “Lenten Lentils”.

Shalom.

Fairy Tale Endings & Other Seemingly Unattainable Goals ...

“And they lived happily ever after”. That’s usually at the end of the story I know, but I’m different. Actually, that’s really what I want to address …

I know I’ve walked down this road before, but it looks like there are some things that bear repeating.

Why is it that so many of my sisters are hung up on the fairy tale aspects of a wedding and have not given any real and substantial thought to the marriage that commenced the minute that they said ‘I do’?

That was my question two years ago and it’s still the question now. The thing that I have learnt through observation is that many of the couples that are making that step into matrimony are not really doing so with an eye towards lifetime commitment, but as something they ‘commit’ to until such a time when they invoke the escape clause.

The irony is that they put so much thought into the preparation and execution of the ‘perfect’ wedding. They oversee every last detail – from the colour scheme to the food, the dresses, the notions – EVERYTHING! All must be made perfect for one day. As it happens, when the balloons come down and the chair tie backs are returned, it seems to all be a mystery.

And they lived happily after. Those words have been both blessing and curse since the first time that they were uttered. I’m not saying that we don’t all yearn for that wonderful storybook ending, but what we seem to have forgotten is that none of us can say from the onset that ‘happily ever after’ is carded for us.

As long as we are breathing, viable entities, there will be times of distress, illness, sadness … there will be times of anger and fed-up-ness. What is integral is that as someone in a MARRIAGE, one has to remember that all of these feelings and moments are now shared with someone else.

There are definitely going to be times when you’re going to look at each other and wonder why in the hell you decided to spend the rest of your life with this person. Still, that is not a reason to walk away.

Is it that many of the people today have lost sight of the reasons why they got together in the first place? How is it that the same actions or words that a would-be wife/husband found endearing in their soon to be partner can after a couple of years, and in some cases, after a couple of months, bring their blood to a rapid boil when simmered in the pot of annoyance and disgust?

The other thing that I end up wondering is whether some of the people who seem to have no staying power had actually SETTLED in the first place. Is it that they wanted a wedding so much that they hitched their wagon to a star that wasn’t really supposed to be theirs?

Honestly – whatever the means or reasons for these connections, they are SUPPOSED to LAST. The words that some people recite when they make their vows to each other are actually supposed to be PRAYED. It’s a prayer people, not just some random words strung together to entertain your guests. People see vows as something that you get through … words you parrot after the officiant … words said before they get to the ring and the kiss. Not so …

A vow is a promise; and this particular vow is one made before God and men. It’s a sacred vow … but at times it has been obvious to me that the parties involved have no idea what they are saying … nor do they take the time to understand the significance of the words being prayed. You are effectively promising God, in the presence of witnesses, that you are going to love, cherish and respect each other for the rest of your lives – no matter what. That is a difficult prospect, but had you taken the time to grow to know and REALLY love the person that you are standing with before God, then you will make it.

Where is all of this coming from? I have no idea. Maybe it’s born out of the observation that people are more willing to walk away form their partners and marriages easily because they have forgotten what had gotten them to marriage in the first place.

I’m not married. I still hope to be one day and soon, but I have sung at enough weddings to know what I speak of. I take the time to mention this because there are people I’m sure who would love to tell me a thing or two about what I have written. Lemme just say that I am not bashing anyone. I’m just trying to remind the Married of their vows, the Engaged of the marriage that comes after the wedding and the Single to take the time to make wise and informed choices.

And they lived happily after. The other aspect of this is that some of us have conveniently chosen to forget that there was stress, intrigue and drama in every fairy tale that had a happy ending. The prince didn’t just get the princess. There was work to be done … witches to vanquish and dragons to be slain.

The lesson therefore is that the work must be done and the mountains must be breached before the happily ever after can be attained…

Go find your beautiful princess and your prince charming by all means, but take the time to pull a page or two out their stories so that in the end, others can look at the two of you and confidently proclaim …

“And they lived happily ever after … The Beginning!”

Changing Our Internal Soundtrack ...

I recently spoke to a dear one of mine who is presently going through some things. It’s been rough for them, and I know that there are nights that remain sleepless, as well as days of black clouds, hesitance and doubt.

They have attempted to remain optimistic in the face of harrowing body blows. They smile and joke, and it’s a pattern that I have come to recognize from my own experiences with ‘days of thunder’ as I choose to call them.

Our internal soundtracks are the ‘inner voices’ that guide us, be they celestial, emotional, spiritual, ancestral or voices from our past. These are the voices that are with us at our highest and lowest moments.

At our pinnacles, they constantly pat us on the back … remind us of how wonderful we are and can even press on to cause us to become quite selfish, and mindless of the people or circumstances that have gotten us to this particular peak.

In our pits of despair, these same voices can be the ones that jeer and sneer at us, while reminding us of every single failure in our lives … from kindergarten to that time at the office when we fell flat on our faces in the middle of a presentation.

They are the soundtracks of our lives, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather have a nice balanced play list that shows me where I’ve gone wrong and cheers me on while I attempt to repair the problem.

The worst thing is when WE are the voice that we hear … the voice of our own insecurity…

I told my dear one this morning that they needed to remain thankful and that they needed to find something at the end of each day to be thankful and grateful for – be it a parking space or a butterfly that came their way. The response was “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but … it’s hard…”

The word BUT is a bitch of a word and here’s why … are you aware that EVERYTIME you say BUT you have effectively negated everything that went before it?

Here’s a prime example – I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I CAN’T STAY WITH YOU…

I love you with all my heart … I can’t stay with you … BUT in the middle. You’ve just told someone that you don’t love them and goodbye.

The ‘supposed’ love that you feel for that person is just a plaster to try to make them feel better as you walk away.

Let’s look at my dear one’s statement … “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but it’s hard some days…”

I am thankful and I start by prayers off with thanks giving … it’s hard some days … BUT in the middle. Stay with me class … they’ve just said he isn’t thankful and life is hard.

Now before you pick up your soap box and turn it over in an attempt to tell me what a cold hearted bitch I am, lemme just explain what I mean.

Yes I know that there is absolutely NOBODY on this earth who wakes up everyday all peachy keen and in the pink of great humor. Yes I know that we all have our battles to fight. I also know that WE are the ones who allow others to hold us back … we are the ones who allow the seeds of doubt and sometimes ultimate failure to permeate our souls on our good and bad days. The word BUT is a word that inspires doubt … e.g. YES I KNOW HE CAN DO IT BUT LEMME JUST HELP HIM. Again … Yes I know he can do it … Lemme just help him … BUT in the middle. This works out to be ‘I don’t trust him to be able to do this so I’ma stick my foot in it.’

When we start adding BUT to our vocabulary when it concerns ourselves, we are giving life to self-doubt, insecurity, and mistrust of self. How could that be a good thing? If we don’t love, trust, respect and believe in ourselves … who’s gonna do it for us?

So you’ve been told all your life that ‘little black boys and girls will NEVER amount to anything in this world” and you have a setback … do you wallow in the mud and slime and doubt yourself while giving life to what OTHERS have said to you? NO! You change your internal soundtrack and you keep telling yourself “I am going to make it DESPITE what has been said to me and about me!”

You realize that it’s not going to work and you end a relationship or the relationship is ended by your partner. You’ve been told since the age of reason that “people in your family NEVER stay together anyway so why bother … your relationship skills are jinxed.” Are you going to let someone else speak into your life and tell you that you’re never going to find relationship happiness? NO! you change your soundtrack and tell yourself that “I will find with God’s help the one who is made for me. He/She is coming and soon!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that positivity is so much more effective than her evil twin negativity. Someone pointed out to me the other day that when life gives you lemons you ask for sugar, because the water is free. That sounds like wonderful advice to me.

No I’m not sending you out there to be the voice of constant cheerleading … that would just be annoying. What I am saying dear ones is that life is hard, days can be tough, BUT with the right attitude … we will all get to where we are destined to be!

My Journey There and Back...

I’ve been there
Down in that murky
Grimy pit called Despair.
I’ve seen all there is
To see of that
Particular brew of
Primordial ooze
And I have struggled
To pull myself out of it.
It wasn’t easy
The miserable lethargy
The cloying nearness of sorrow
Wraps itself around
Your psyche like a warm
Inviting snuggly blanket
It held fast to every pore
It clung to the damp tendrils of my hair …
It saturated my tears
The pungent aroma of misery and sorrow
Wafts through every room
In this special corner of Hell
The god-awful yet inviting stench
That pulled me further and further in
Until I salivated for want of taste
And I ate and ate and ate
Licking dry each saucepan and skillet
Used to prepare my own six-course meal
And there I sat
Repulsed yet fascinated
That I had become
My own Sin Eater …
Magnetized by the ‘pretty’ fare
Laid out around the darkness
Of my soul
Needing to take the pain away, yet knowing better
But unable to stop feasting
Yet again at this personal banquet of
Misery, of sorrow of subjugation
And desperation.
I’ve been there
In that repellent kitchen
Where the chefs are
Mirror images of self
Where guests believe themselves
To be in the shadow realm
Yet was I sickeningly comfortable
The kind of comfort that
Is uncomfortable in its ability to
Strangely soothe
The bell tolled then
And I painfully and slowly rose
To my feet – forcing myself away
From the table
Realizing only then that
I was sated but unable to stop myself
Though stop I needed to
And so … I did
But, yes, I’ve been there
I’ve cooked in hell’s kitchen
And I know the darkness of that pit
I know the stench
Of self imposed misery and melancholy
And this is not a comprehension of which
I am proud
I have abashedly licked the pots clean
While I have navigated the quagmire
Of my feelings, and beliefs…
Look at my skin, look at my soul and
See my battle scars …
Yes
I’ve been there
But now … I’ve returned
And I am stronger for the journey…

Wishing ...

Sitting still offers up the opportunity to think of you
Being silent gives me time to think about the words that have passed between us.
Dreaming gives me flashbacks of moments, of looks, of smiles … and previews of things hoped for and to come.
You are my heart, my love … you are my love, my heart…
So few are our moments together. Yes, there is time between us,
But moments – moments when I see the true essence of you – these moments when you bring the real me to the surface … moments when the lightest touch of your hand can feel like being hit by lightening ~ those moments are yet rare between us, My Love.
I dare not move, for fear of losing this sweet, short space in our time. Would that I could capture it forever and seal it in my heart for my love and I to share it again anon…
Wishing makes it all seem possible. Hoping makes it probably.
Being next to you makes it real.
My side is cold … you are not here …
Come back ~
I miss you, My Heart.

I NEED A PHONE ...

I need a phone … not just any phone … I want a phone exactly like the one that I have. Why? Because I like my phone. What I don’t like however is the fact that my phone is falling apart as we speak.

The little non-entity that sold me my phone must really not have liked me, but that’s okay … I know why he didn’t and probably still doesn’t like me. I will however continue to stand by the statement that I made to said individual.

All I need is a Motorola Z-6 that works the way it should … that will not fall apart on me at the slightest nudge or smallest fall … I want a Z6 that is reliable, won’t drop calls, won’t leave me without a bar of service at the most inopportune times … is that too much to ask?

I need a phone – JUST like my phone but different. Different in a way that makes sense to me … different in performance, but the same in looks … ya feel me?

I want my phone to be there for me and only me … password protected or not … my phone and I must have a one-to-one kind of relationship… it must answer when I call and be there for me and me alone…

Relationship … hmmm …

Interesting choice of word … I mean I am talking about a phone after all … right???

Many of us relate to our electronic gadgets the way we relate to the people in our lives. We can’t function without them and have forgotten what life was like before them. Could it be that we just want to belong so badly that we lose our common sense as soon as the next new thing appears on the horizon?

Not me! I just want my own phone but different. That makes perfect sense doesn’t it???

It’s like wanting your old boyfriend back, exactly as he was but different. You want his big strong arms, but you don’t want his temper. You want his sexual prowess, but you can do without the jealousy. You adore his thick curly hair, but can live away from his foul mouth. You know … EXACTLY alike but different…

Me? I just want a brand spanking new Motorola Z-6, in a new colour, but JUST LIKE my current phone – just without the moodiness, the dropped calls, the falling apart … stuff like that…

It’s not like I’m askin’ for the world or somethin’ …

Sheesh!

Ode to a Plague (a.k.a. Seriously? Really?)

What right do you have
Saying things like that to me …
Bringing every buried insecurity
Back to the surface
Like black crude on salty sea?
Who the hell gave you permission
To unleash my salted tide of tears
You left this situation
You gave up claim
To this wonderful property
And so now it is that
Someone else sees the value
That is naturally inherent
In this yet properly harvested ground
You have decided to claim jump?
I – don’t – think – so
You see…
Due to circumstances beyond my control
I have taken up residence
On this chunk of fertile land
And I do not intend to leave it …
Nor do I share well
The opportunity to develop
What was left barren
Was yours
Yours!
In the palm of your hand
Yours!
And walk away you did
What you don’t realize
Is that this land was willed to me
Lifetimes ago
And you … you with your supposed hopes and dreams
And in actuality … you with your lies
Are nothing but a hiccup
In the game of Destiny
You are hereby dismissed
You are now officially evicted
This land, my darling, is my land
From sea to fuckin shining sea
For as far as the ‘I’ can see
And then back again
Yes, you planted a seed
And it bore a beautiful fruit
For that I am thankful
Yes you would always be connected to this land
Through that precious bud
But never assume that
Visiting that plant somehow
Erases the memory of ill use
And grants you your former leasing agreement
Because it doesn’t.
You are not now or will you ever be
Tenant at will
You will however
Fade back to the dust and darkness
From which you sprang
You who attempts to declare yourself as owner
You of the lost rights
And plans dashed
On the banks of your own insipidness
You who never understood
The gift that ownership of this fine land
Really ever meant
You who missed the joy of cultivation
Through your need to manipulate and scar
You who makes me thankful
For I have now come to the place
Where I can happily, honestly and truly
Reclaim that which is now and has always been
Mine.
And as such …
You are hereby asked to take your spite,
Your meanness, along with
The temporary key to the Pandora box
That is my insecurity
And graciously remove yourself
From my homestead.
Your presence is no longer
Desired or required.
Be gone!

TIME, LOVE AND TENDERNESS ...

I realized after I named this blog that the title actually belong s to a Michael Bolton song, but that’s okay … at least I’m in brilliant company.
What I’m referring to here is the sometimes soppy way that the ones who love us worry about our welfare.

I have to travel today to get home … no riding home with ‘THE BIG H’ as my mom calls the man of my dreams, and I have been mandated to do the following:-
1. Exhaust all avenues of getting a ride home
2. If no one is available, please be careful getting to the main street
3. Careful choosing cabs and cab drivers
4. Call as soon as I get to my door

Now you would think that I have never taken public transportation before – right? Or that I’m probably 12. I love the fact that ‘H’ worries but sometimes I feel that he’s worse than Mother Hen. What did he think I did before he arrived on the scene?
Isn’t it wonderful to be treated like a precious gem? It’s like a door opened and let the light in and suddenly, there is someone who is able to see our TRUE worth.

So it is when our Heavenly Father looks at us; he worries about us because he loves us…

The sad thing is that we do not ourselves take the TIME to look at ourselves with LOVE or with TENDERNESS. The truth is that we really do not have to look very far to see ourselves in that light. We have only to look into the eyes of those who truly love us. We look so good that we sometimes doubt our own reflections.

It’s not that our Loved Ones see us as blemish free or truly pure. What it is is that they see us as we truly are – human, with quirks and foibles. The difference is that we tend to be extra hard on ourselves, and they are more than willing – in most cases – to give us the benefit of the doubt, just as we are willing to do for them.

What a wonderfully symbiotic relationship.

Take the TIME to see yourself as the precious gem that you really are. Look at yourself through eyes of LOVE for yourself and treat yourself with TENDERNESS. It’s the least that you can do for YOU.

Hollaback!

I Hope You Dance ...

Dance is often used to illustrate joy. The fluidity of movement and freedom of expression lend themselves to helping us in the celebration of all that is good in live.

There are times when the dance of joy comes easily to us; just as there are times when finding something joyful to dance about is virtually impossible for us to do, so frozen are we in our pain, sorrow, disbelief – whatever it may be…

What we need to understand is that we encounter backbeats in every aspect of out lives. Yes the music of happiness is what really captures and holds our attention, but the music of sorrow and sadness is right there as well, and while the tune may not be as sweet, or the beat a little more melancholy, we need to listen as intently and learn therefore to dance in these times as well.

This is the real challenge – to dance because of heartbreak, and in spite of it. The proof that we are indeed true dancers comes in the solos that we perform to the dirge in our hearts, to the unco-ordinated heartbeats that accompany the wholes left there when we’ve been hurt. When we choose to twirl to the throbbing in our brains left there by disappointment; only then can we truly be called dancers to life’s music.

There is a song that was made popular some years ago by Melissa Ethridge called Dance Without Sleeping that expresses what I mean in the following lyrics:

Dance without sleeping
Dance without fear
Dance without senses no message I hear
Dance without sleeping
Dance till I'm numb
Dance till I think I can overcome

The Dance of Life comes in different acts and phases, the joy, the uncertainty, the disappointment, the sorrow … all integral parts of our humanity…

I wish you the strength to hold on in the storm; the smile that radiates from a heart that’s bursting with thankfulness; the inner peace that comes from knowing that all is right with the world; and in all things…

I Hope You Dance …

When Your Heart Speaks, Take Good Notes...

I sent the above affirmation to the one who holds my heart this morning and even as I was hitting the ‘send’ button, I was wondering whether we ever really listen to our inner beings.

Our hearts speak to us in so many ways, and speak in clear concise voices, yet statements are constantly made by people saying that they should have listened better when their hearts said yes, no, stop, go – whatever …

Could it be that these clear but small voices are too small, or is it that we are so surrounded by the soundtrack of modern living that we have forgotten what it it’s like to take the time to be still and focus …

Our hearts are responsible for our lifeblood’s movement throughout out bodies; therefore, our hearts receive messages from every area of our beings. It stands to reason then that our hearts would have a pretty good idea as to what it is that we’re really feeling, as well as what it is we really need and want … yet we rage against the advice offered, by the heart, to the heart, for the heart.

We need to make a conscious effort to listen; to be still and to know that we are being counseled for our own good. Should we pay attention, we would find that our existence would not necessarily be as difficult as we’ve been programmed to believe. We would find the flow of days and moments to be smoother and more agreeable.

Our hearts tend to speak only when necessary and usually in an attempt to stop us from hurting ourselves, or to point us in the right direction.

Our hearts are also the residences of our Higher Powers, and as such there in lies the intercom to our souls and Saviours. We tend to ignore these whispers as well, yet we accuse then of non-communication because we refuse to be still and just BE, in order that we receive what we need from our Source.

All we need to do when we hear that voice or we get that feeling in our inner cores is to grab our pens and take really good notes.

It’s worth the effort – I promise…

We Build ...

We build our dreams apart from each other
In the hopes that they will align
When we come together
We build our lives being sure to make room
In our constant evolution
For the ones who hold our hearts
We build our hopes on rainbows
That bridge the distance between
Our reality and our intent
Our truths are constructed
From the innuendo that springs
Out of the contact we have
With our perspective partners
With the people we meet and
Dare to dream that they
Would agree to be our friends
We spend our lives building
Those erector sets presented to
Us at birth – gifts from the fates
The fates being the same ones
Who delight in sometimes reeking havoc
And throwing lightening bolts at us
Knocking our tentative efforts
To the ground
We build constantly –
Our hopes, dreams, truths and aspirations
We may not always know the ultimate destination
But our search for happiness drives us
Yet further to build and build and build
We do so at a frenzied pace
Anxious to get to the point
Where we can say “That’ll do” …
But are we ever really sated
Or do we stop when we belive
We have accomplished what was fated
We build each other up
And break each other down
We build for hope and glory
We build for love and comfort
We build with each other … we build for each other
We dream and we build and we search until
We come upon the one…
That one who we were searching for
The ‘You’ in our ‘You and Me’ … the ‘Them’ in our ‘We’
The one who causes us to build in
The hope of finding the missing brick
The lost puzzle piece
The one who holds our balance
The music to our dance
The dance we dance as we build our
Castles in the Air…