Changing Our Internal Soundtrack ...

I recently spoke to a dear one of mine who is presently going through some things. It’s been rough for them, and I know that there are nights that remain sleepless, as well as days of black clouds, hesitance and doubt.

They have attempted to remain optimistic in the face of harrowing body blows. They smile and joke, and it’s a pattern that I have come to recognize from my own experiences with ‘days of thunder’ as I choose to call them.

Our internal soundtracks are the ‘inner voices’ that guide us, be they celestial, emotional, spiritual, ancestral or voices from our past. These are the voices that are with us at our highest and lowest moments.

At our pinnacles, they constantly pat us on the back … remind us of how wonderful we are and can even press on to cause us to become quite selfish, and mindless of the people or circumstances that have gotten us to this particular peak.

In our pits of despair, these same voices can be the ones that jeer and sneer at us, while reminding us of every single failure in our lives … from kindergarten to that time at the office when we fell flat on our faces in the middle of a presentation.

They are the soundtracks of our lives, and I don’t know about you, but I would rather have a nice balanced play list that shows me where I’ve gone wrong and cheers me on while I attempt to repair the problem.

The worst thing is when WE are the voice that we hear … the voice of our own insecurity…

I told my dear one this morning that they needed to remain thankful and that they needed to find something at the end of each day to be thankful and grateful for – be it a parking space or a butterfly that came their way. The response was “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but … it’s hard…”

The word BUT is a bitch of a word and here’s why … are you aware that EVERYTIME you say BUT you have effectively negated everything that went before it?

Here’s a prime example – I LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART BUT I CAN’T STAY WITH YOU…

I love you with all my heart … I can’t stay with you … BUT in the middle. You’ve just told someone that you don’t love them and goodbye.

The ‘supposed’ love that you feel for that person is just a plaster to try to make them feel better as you walk away.

Let’s look at my dear one’s statement … “I am thankful and I start my prayers off with thanksgiving but it’s hard some days…”

I am thankful and I start by prayers off with thanks giving … it’s hard some days … BUT in the middle. Stay with me class … they’ve just said he isn’t thankful and life is hard.

Now before you pick up your soap box and turn it over in an attempt to tell me what a cold hearted bitch I am, lemme just explain what I mean.

Yes I know that there is absolutely NOBODY on this earth who wakes up everyday all peachy keen and in the pink of great humor. Yes I know that we all have our battles to fight. I also know that WE are the ones who allow others to hold us back … we are the ones who allow the seeds of doubt and sometimes ultimate failure to permeate our souls on our good and bad days. The word BUT is a word that inspires doubt … e.g. YES I KNOW HE CAN DO IT BUT LEMME JUST HELP HIM. Again … Yes I know he can do it … Lemme just help him … BUT in the middle. This works out to be ‘I don’t trust him to be able to do this so I’ma stick my foot in it.’

When we start adding BUT to our vocabulary when it concerns ourselves, we are giving life to self-doubt, insecurity, and mistrust of self. How could that be a good thing? If we don’t love, trust, respect and believe in ourselves … who’s gonna do it for us?

So you’ve been told all your life that ‘little black boys and girls will NEVER amount to anything in this world” and you have a setback … do you wallow in the mud and slime and doubt yourself while giving life to what OTHERS have said to you? NO! You change your internal soundtrack and you keep telling yourself “I am going to make it DESPITE what has been said to me and about me!”

You realize that it’s not going to work and you end a relationship or the relationship is ended by your partner. You’ve been told since the age of reason that “people in your family NEVER stay together anyway so why bother … your relationship skills are jinxed.” Are you going to let someone else speak into your life and tell you that you’re never going to find relationship happiness? NO! you change your soundtrack and tell yourself that “I will find with God’s help the one who is made for me. He/She is coming and soon!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that positivity is so much more effective than her evil twin negativity. Someone pointed out to me the other day that when life gives you lemons you ask for sugar, because the water is free. That sounds like wonderful advice to me.

No I’m not sending you out there to be the voice of constant cheerleading … that would just be annoying. What I am saying dear ones is that life is hard, days can be tough, BUT with the right attitude … we will all get to where we are destined to be!

Guess Who's on Amazon???!

That's right luvvies! AT LAST by Donna Mae Greaves is now available for purchase on www.amazon.com.

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AT LAST by Donna Mae Greaves

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My Journey There and Back...

I’ve been there
Down in that murky
Grimy pit called Despair.
I’ve seen all there is
To see of that
Particular brew of
Primordial ooze
And I have struggled
To pull myself out of it.
It wasn’t easy
The miserable lethargy
The cloying nearness of sorrow
Wraps itself around
Your psyche like a warm
Inviting snuggly blanket
It held fast to every pore
It clung to the damp tendrils of my hair …
It saturated my tears
The pungent aroma of misery and sorrow
Wafts through every room
In this special corner of Hell
The god-awful yet inviting stench
That pulled me further and further in
Until I salivated for want of taste
And I ate and ate and ate
Licking dry each saucepan and skillet
Used to prepare my own six-course meal
And there I sat
Repulsed yet fascinated
That I had become
My own Sin Eater …
Magnetized by the ‘pretty’ fare
Laid out around the darkness
Of my soul
Needing to take the pain away, yet knowing better
But unable to stop feasting
Yet again at this personal banquet of
Misery, of sorrow of subjugation
And desperation.
I’ve been there
In that repellent kitchen
Where the chefs are
Mirror images of self
Where guests believe themselves
To be in the shadow realm
Yet was I sickeningly comfortable
The kind of comfort that
Is uncomfortable in its ability to
Strangely soothe
The bell tolled then
And I painfully and slowly rose
To my feet – forcing myself away
From the table
Realizing only then that
I was sated but unable to stop myself
Though stop I needed to
And so … I did
But, yes, I’ve been there
I’ve cooked in hell’s kitchen
And I know the darkness of that pit
I know the stench
Of self imposed misery and melancholy
And this is not a comprehension of which
I am proud
I have abashedly licked the pots clean
While I have navigated the quagmire
Of my feelings, and beliefs…
Look at my skin, look at my soul and
See my battle scars …
Yes
I’ve been there
But now … I’ve returned
And I am stronger for the journey…

Wishing ...

Sitting still offers up the opportunity to think of you
Being silent gives me time to think about the words that have passed between us.
Dreaming gives me flashbacks of moments, of looks, of smiles … and previews of things hoped for and to come.
You are my heart, my love … you are my love, my heart…
So few are our moments together. Yes, there is time between us,
But moments – moments when I see the true essence of you – these moments when you bring the real me to the surface … moments when the lightest touch of your hand can feel like being hit by lightening ~ those moments are yet rare between us, My Love.
I dare not move, for fear of losing this sweet, short space in our time. Would that I could capture it forever and seal it in my heart for my love and I to share it again anon…
Wishing makes it all seem possible. Hoping makes it probably.
Being next to you makes it real.
My side is cold … you are not here …
Come back ~
I miss you, My Heart.

The Star That Went Nova ...

On Tuesday morning I said goodbye to an era. I am also forced to admit now that I also said goodbye to a mentor.

Astra Da Costa wasn’t only a mentor for me; if many of the young women who worked under her tutelage are honest, they would also admit that she left many a mark on their lives. Yes, some of the marks were negative, but there were positive ones too.

I’ve always said that AMPLE was a hell of a training ground for me. I think I learnt most of what I know in that formerly beautiful white building at the corner of Grey Street and Tragarete Road (I never understood the need to paint that majestic white building Vomit Pink!)

I sat in the church on Tuesday and allowed my mind to travel back in time. I went back to meetings and conversations that I had inadvertently deemed unnecessary, and as I replayed some of these instances, I realized that in her rather indirect but direct way, (trust me, that makes sense … this is after all the woman who coined ‘hurry slowly’) Astra had left the seeds of social responsibility and the need to be a part of something bigger than self with me.

I guess – having destroyed many a draft since I began writing this – all I really want to say is Thank You Astra for sharing some of your knowledge with us, for molding us into the strong, opinionated, independent, caring, careful yet reckless women that we are today. I, for sure, have learnt to laugh at myself, to appreciate every stately curve that I own … not to mention that I have now perfected the art of power dressing!

We’ve learnt to appreciate the love of family and good friends. We have also learnt to appreciate every second of time gifted to us and allow us to joke that this is because we NEVER had any time while we labored at AMP’s … but we appreciate it nonetheless.

Rest well ADC, because you’ve earned it, and please, whatever you do, DO NOT attempt to tell God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit or St Peter how to do their jobs or how to make Heaven more efficient --- It’s JUST NOT DONE! May I suggest some time in the choir loft??? You always did say that you missed singing.

Go with God, Auntie Astra!

I NEED A PHONE ...

I need a phone … not just any phone … I want a phone exactly like the one that I have. Why? Because I like my phone. What I don’t like however is the fact that my phone is falling apart as we speak.

The little non-entity that sold me my phone must really not have liked me, but that’s okay … I know why he didn’t and probably still doesn’t like me. I will however continue to stand by the statement that I made to said individual.

All I need is a Motorola Z-6 that works the way it should … that will not fall apart on me at the slightest nudge or smallest fall … I want a Z6 that is reliable, won’t drop calls, won’t leave me without a bar of service at the most inopportune times … is that too much to ask?

I need a phone – JUST like my phone but different. Different in a way that makes sense to me … different in performance, but the same in looks … ya feel me?

I want my phone to be there for me and only me … password protected or not … my phone and I must have a one-to-one kind of relationship… it must answer when I call and be there for me and me alone…

Relationship … hmmm …

Interesting choice of word … I mean I am talking about a phone after all … right???

Many of us relate to our electronic gadgets the way we relate to the people in our lives. We can’t function without them and have forgotten what life was like before them. Could it be that we just want to belong so badly that we lose our common sense as soon as the next new thing appears on the horizon?

Not me! I just want my own phone but different. That makes perfect sense doesn’t it???

It’s like wanting your old boyfriend back, exactly as he was but different. You want his big strong arms, but you don’t want his temper. You want his sexual prowess, but you can do without the jealousy. You adore his thick curly hair, but can live away from his foul mouth. You know … EXACTLY alike but different…

Me? I just want a brand spanking new Motorola Z-6, in a new colour, but JUST LIKE my current phone – just without the moodiness, the dropped calls, the falling apart … stuff like that…

It’s not like I’m askin’ for the world or somethin’ …

Sheesh!

Daydreaming & Thinking of You...

I dream of the day
When I wake up in your arms
I’m thinking of the possibilities
That await us
I’m trippin’ when I think
About the love I have for you
And the love in your heart for me
I’m dreaming of our future
As we try to navigate our present
While learning lessons from the past
I dream of the love and life
Waiting for us to get to the point
Of agreeing that I’m you’re and you’re mine
I’m thinking of the times before
When we lived and loved
In times gone by – uninhibited by
Thoughts of loss and fear
Honest with each other
Fearless and fierce in our
Devotion to each other
I dream of living our lives
The way we did in leaves of old
I dream of your arms around me
And your voice whispering
In my ear that you are mine
And will be with me until
I dream of we and meditate
On what is ahead for us
My dreams and my thoughts
Collide with my reality
As I see you approach me
Smiling at me that smile
That holds a promise
Of what is to come
Of what will be
Of what is being built
So I dream ~ I dream for you and me
I dream for we
And wait for the day
When we as we
Begin to build our dreams
Together…