THE RESIGNATION OF A MOTHER CONFESSOR

I am tired …
Tired of granting absolution
For the actions that you perceive to be correct
I am tired of drying the tears
Of the million
While the tears of the one – mine – go unnoticed
I am so fed up
Fed up with the ones who have
And believe and act that they have not
I am so scarred
By the ones who take and take and take
And forget that it’s okay to give
I have had it up to here there and every fuckin where
With people who walk into my presence
Eyes wide shut
And see only themselves reflected in my eyes and spirit
Yet they never stop to see if I need to be heard
Why have I been given all of this love
If not to share it with someone who is there for ME
In the same way that I am there for them
Is it that I am unworthy of being loved in return?
Did that nature boy know what the fuck
He was talking about when he declared
All those years ago
That the greatest thing we’d ever learn
Was just to love and be loved in return?
Newsflash … I’m still waiting
Here I sit with my bags packed and with nowhere to go
Because it would seem that the train has left
Me at the station
And do you know why?
Because I was more than likely stuck
In the ladies’ room giving comfort to someone
And it was more than likely
Someone who ran off to catch their own bus!
Has anyone taken the time to really look behind
My supposed smile?
I’m plum tuckered out
From being the training ground where
The males of the species come to find out
What they’ve been doing wrong so that they can
Graduate and move on to their princess brides
For the love of God – leave me some pride
I’m not your sister, your teacher, your buddy your pal …
I have hopes and aspirations too …
Do you even try to see me as I see you?
I’ve lost so much, and at times
It feels that I’ve gained so little
It’s like I’m permanently stuck in the middle
I don’t want to be anyone’s middle passage
I deserve to be someone’s destination
So now I’m handing in my resignation
Mother confessor is taking a respite
Sista Soljah is giving her shoulder a rest
Big sis and lil buddy are both signing off
Excuse me while I go to my corner
And continue to dry my own tears
And maybe … just maybe someone will take the time
And show that they care
And if they don’t – big surprise…
It’s just another day
In my own personal misconstrued paradise…

Journalists, or PENs For Hire ...

I looked with some interest at the headline of today’s Trinidad Guardian, which indicated that there is a mass exodus of media ‘personalities, a.k.a. journalists, all of whom seem to be heading blithely into Governmental service.

Interesting …

Whatever happened to being paragons of virtue and the ‘voice of the people’? what happened to the need to investigate the wrongs and bad habits of the government and all concerned with them – be they contracts, persons of interest, hidden agendas?

Is it that these things are only important when certain people are the targets?

Interesting …

So … apparently now that ‘everything is right with the world’ we have a huge chunk of the media moving in to governmental service … what a bleepin joke!

It is now blatantly obvious that anyone can be bought for a good enough price, even members of the 5th estate.

Case in point: I have been watching with avid interest, along with some of my fellow observers, the interesting goings on and behavior of two PROMINENT members of the current Cabinet. It would seem that some people cannot walk without having their hands held, and others cannot walk without having hands to hold. Be it at the airport, the parliament, public meetings, from one car to the next … these two act like kindergarten buddies. Seeing as how the photographs have been appearing in every single daily and weekend newspaper produced in Trinidad and Tobago, I find it rather strange that nothing has been written about this situation. However, had this been the former Prime Minister’s wife and another member of the former Cabinet, there would have been such a furor brought to life that it would have been heard all the way in North America.

Why the double standard fellas? Where are those investigative minds that you’re all so proud of – the same ones who for the past few years have been reporting blindly and then printing tiny page 1 and 2 apologies for slanderous comments?

Have you now learnt the error of your ways? Or is it that this regime pays better? Inquiring minds want to know.

Has it occurred to any of you ship jumping jokers that you’re following the scent of a dangling carrot in order to keep you silent? Are you aware that you have joined the ranks of the government propaganda machine – the same machine that you raged against, a short few months ago? It just strikes me as passing strange that you’re all willing to become the right hand men and women of this crop of ‘stooges’ but you weren’t willing to do the same for those who went before.

Tell me … how are you going to spend your thirty pieces of silver – the ones who gained when you sold your collective souls and sold out the people who look to you for opinions and advice. Is it that we are all going t have to stay tuned for the Department of Information weekend programming to know what’s going on in sweet T&T?

Dare God I hope not.

To say that I am disappointed is a major understatement. To say that I’m surprised would be a lie.

Tread lightly gents, and know that the people that you will ignore on the way ‘up’ are attached to the same asses that you will have to kiss on the way back down!

WTF!!!

Friendship is a funny thing. There are times when we need to stretch to accommodate the baggage that might sneak in, and there are times when we need to contract in order to keep our perspective and sanity.

I’m trying to figure out where I am in a particular friendship, and I just had a WTF moment.

As the adult on record in this get up, I’m wondering if the age difference is causing a significant shift when it comes to things like translation and understanding. Maybe it is that I’m expecting too much from the individual, but the difference is not so insurmountable that common sense cannot and will not kick in.

Why is it so easy for some of us to be obtuse and hurtful to the needs of many of us? Is it just me or is it that it feels like paranoia has become the norm for some of us? Why is it so easy for some of us to be mean spirited and bitter towards the achievements of the majority of us?

I know that I’m asking a myriad of questions, and I know that many of those questions are rhetorical. By the same token, there are really some of us who can cause amazement to hurt the brain.

Example.

I’ve been attempting to pursue a particular course for the past few months, and someone whom I now recognize as a bandwagonist announced that they would come aboard and we would stay the course together, and use our ‘existing’ buddy system to lessen the ‘pains’ as it were.

I believed them when they said that they were ready. I made myself available to them, and I did what I could to introduce her to the tenets that she would need to follow…

Why then … at the end of it all … are they attempting to make me feel that this is somehow my fault?

Hindsight is 20/20 vision and I’ve put a few pieces of the puzzle together.

This isn’t about me. It is about them and their baggage, and I refuse to be the trash guy. It’s about their decisions and their priorities and until they come to the point of acknowledging that there are changes to be made, then they will continue to wallow in their ‘ignunce’, and that’s just the way it is.

I will do what I need to do for me and that’s it. When they are ready to handle their shit, they will do what needs to be done for them – plain and simple.

We all need to be adult enough to do what we need to for ourselves, and by the same token we need to be adult enough to take the responsibility for the fucked up decisions that we sometimes make, thereby avoiding the stupid blame game that we seem to always want to play …

And that’s my take!