Goodbye to You, My Trusted Friend ...

John Bevan Foard … if you said that name to anyone in Maryland, they would look at you cross-eyed.

Punkey Foard … now THAT would get you one of two things – a grimace or a smile.

Punkey was known from one end of the state to the next. He was also famous in the farming communities in Pennsylvania … all over DC and the rest of the East Coast. They knew and respected him in Europe as well as South America, where he would go to shop for Valley View Farms. Then there’s the Trinidad and Tobago connection, as well as St Lucia, Belize and various other parts of the West Indies.

Those of us who knew of his passing on Sunday evening said goodbye to Punk’ this morning in just the way he wanted – simply, quietly, without fuss and fanfare.

We sat quietly in the Chapel at the Crematorium and reminisced about the man we all knew and loved.

I’ve always looked on Punkey as another father, so that finding out yesterday that he was gone hit me hard – perhaps harder that I was prepared to deal with. It honestly felt like I had lost my father all over again … so fierce was the pain in my chest.

I looked at the faces sitting in that little chapel. Most of us wore the same shocked and disbelieving expression. I listen as Kathy told us what were his instructions regarding his ashes and I realized that Punkey was really a romantic soul. That’s not really a surprise … I believe he honestly loved everyone that he met.

Yes there were times when he knowingly or inadvertently rubbed those same people the wrong way, but deep down he had everyone’s best interest at heart.

Today I said goodbye to my friend, my second father, my benefactor and someone who made it possible for me to laugh heartily and laugh often, even on days when all I really wanted to do was curl up and die.

Thank you Punkey for the privilege of being a preteen at many a lavish table at the Hilton, the Normandie, Chaconia and Holiday Inns. Thanks for New Year’s Eve parties at La Boucan or at home … for Sunday evening roof top dinners at fine restaurants. Thanks for the gift of knowledge given and the opportunities to explore beyond my comfort zone … for chances to witness new and different cultures and sights in my youth – both at home and abroad.

You got me into mischief, into trouble and always managed to get me out of it… Thanks for supplying me with a ton of ‘big brothers’ and additional cousins.

You threatened to ‘cuss down’ my ex-boss when you thought she had no respect for my ‘personal off time’ – proof yet again that you really were my persona protector.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is … Thank You Punkey, for making me a priority in your life when you really weren’t obligated to.

I love you, I miss you, I’m blessed to have known you…

Go with the angels and Rest in Peace.

SAYING GOODBYE IS NEVER EASY … BUT SOMETIMES IT’S NECESSARY…

Things have changed in my life --- I’ve made some major decisions and I chose the fork in the road that I wish to follow …

The interesting thing is that I’ve changed my status and all of a sudden, there are people yelling at me from all points of the globe that I must be crazy. “Say it ain’t so!” yelled one friend; “Explain!” shouted another. One of them even accused the system of making the change – it certainly could not have been me…

It’s all amusing I think, and touching as well. I never realized how many people counted on my relationship lasting the way THEY wanted it to. Truth be known I was one of them, but circumstances have conspired to make sure that things went otherwise.

It must be hard for so many of my friends to understand why I have made this decision, just the way that it was easy for others to get it as well. I reflect now on the conversations that I have had over the past week with certain members of my inner sanctum, and I am amazed at the responses that I received form some people. I have since been told by a few choice members that they were just waiting for me to get to this point of realization and revelation.

The process has not been an easy one … I have cried and yelled and meditated and worried and even guilted myself at times, and that’s fine too.

Many have wondered what my reasons are for this change, for this shift of the status quo, and it is relatively simple… I refuse to allow myself to be treated as an option and not a priority in the life of the man who is supposed to cherish my heart.
I refuse to allow former pain and insecurity to dictate the pace of my relationship.
I can no longer stand by and wait until the man who declares love for me finally decides that he is prepared to move forward, while I stand in tide waters which constantly rise due to my feet being cemented into the shores of stasis.

This was no easy decision making process. This has been my perceived happiness for over four years. The fortunate or unfortunate thing depending on your point of view is that four years can be broken down and dissected in four weeks, four days, even four hours whenever change must be made.

I finally realized that I have allowed myself to accept the half measures that were meted out to me and considered myself ‘pseudo-happy’ in the process. So comfortable was I in my perceived bliss that I convinced myself that this life of lack was my assigned lot. Should this be so, then I have now changed my assignment.

I deserve more than the scraps from any man’s emotional table. I deserve to be treated like the precious soul and woman that I am. I deserve more than lip service and dammit I deserve the position of FIRST in the life of the man who holds my heart … in the same way that I give of myself, I expect like treatment in return.

So …

The door to yesterday has been firmly shut, and yes there is a part of me that will always love him and what he represented for me. The door to tomorrow has been opened and it is time for me to walk through … and that I intend to do joyously.
Your choice if you come with me or no … I hope you do but if you don’t then …

Adieu…