Things have changed in my life --- I’ve made some major decisions and I chose the fork in the road that I wish to follow …
The interesting thing is that I’ve changed my status and all of a sudden, there are people yelling at me from all points of the globe that I must be crazy. “Say it ain’t so!” yelled one friend; “Explain!” shouted another. One of them even accused the system of making the change – it certainly could not have been me…
It’s all amusing I think, and touching as well. I never realized how many people counted on my relationship lasting the way THEY wanted it to. Truth be known I was one of them, but circumstances have conspired to make sure that things went otherwise.
It must be hard for so many of my friends to understand why I have made this decision, just the way that it was easy for others to get it as well. I reflect now on the conversations that I have had over the past week with certain members of my inner sanctum, and I am amazed at the responses that I received form some people. I have since been told by a few choice members that they were just waiting for me to get to this point of realization and revelation.
The process has not been an easy one … I have cried and yelled and meditated and worried and even guilted myself at times, and that’s fine too.
Many have wondered what my reasons are for this change, for this shift of the status quo, and it is relatively simple… I refuse to allow myself to be treated as an option and not a priority in the life of the man who is supposed to cherish my heart.
I refuse to allow former pain and insecurity to dictate the pace of my relationship.
I can no longer stand by and wait until the man who declares love for me finally decides that he is prepared to move forward, while I stand in tide waters which constantly rise due to my feet being cemented into the shores of stasis.
This was no easy decision making process. This has been my perceived happiness for over four years. The fortunate or unfortunate thing depending on your point of view is that four years can be broken down and dissected in four weeks, four days, even four hours whenever change must be made.
I finally realized that I have allowed myself to accept the half measures that were meted out to me and considered myself ‘pseudo-happy’ in the process. So comfortable was I in my perceived bliss that I convinced myself that this life of lack was my assigned lot. Should this be so, then I have now changed my assignment.
I deserve more than the scraps from any man’s emotional table. I deserve to be treated like the precious soul and woman that I am. I deserve more than lip service and dammit I deserve the position of FIRST in the life of the man who holds my heart … in the same way that I give of myself, I expect like treatment in return.
So …
The door to yesterday has been firmly shut, and yes there is a part of me that will always love him and what he represented for me. The door to tomorrow has been opened and it is time for me to walk through … and that I intend to do joyously.
Your choice if you come with me or no … I hope you do but if you don’t then …
Adieu…
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