I miss you I miss your spirit And your smile I miss your warmth And how it envelopes me I miss the security That your solidness brings … I miss you.
I have no one to chat with No one to eat with No one to be silent with No one to just BE with… I miss you.
What are you up to… What have you done… Have you even thought About me and just how much I miss you?
I miss you And in missing you I have learned something about me … Your presence is dear to me Because I like you I miss your smiling face Because I care for you The absence of your aura Around me leaves me cold Because I love you.
I have always professed that there is a thin line between being a Christian and being stupid, and for the most part I have stayed on the right side of that line, choosing to be a fool only for God.
I have now discovered another line. This is the one between being understanding and fed up, and it is becoming apparent that the tip of my shoe is firmly on that line and sliding slowly into FED-UP-NESS.
As the leader of a ministry at my church I have heard and seen it all. The thing is that I have been involved with this ministry for over half of my life, save two years when I wanted nothing to do with anything remotely Catholic – so we are looking at approximately twenty-four years of service.
I sometimes wonder if I am some sort of mutant being because I tend to put this service before other things whether I am leader or not. I don’t attend most functions – family or otherwise – if they are set on Sundays. I try to be back from the inevitable meeting or brunch in time to be rested and refreshed for 5pm when I am due to be at the church. It is rare that an ailment keeps me from where I need to be.
I’m not saying this in an attempt to make myself look better than anyone else – far from it because believe you me I ain’t no saint. I am saying this however in an attempt to somehow understand the behavioral patterns of some of the members of my ministry who seem to have no problem putting everything and everyone else before the commitment that they have VOLUNTARILY made, and why is it that they have a hard time understanding that I am pissed off at the end of the day when I have no musicians or voices.
Hence my question – WHEN IS IT OKAY TO BE FED UP??
Is it okay when I have people calling me at the 99.9th hour to tell me that they are stuck in the ‘back of beyond’ with no ride in site? Did they ever intend to be present in the first place?
Is it okay when I get to the church and I decide to call people to inquire as to their whereabouts and I am then nonchalantly told “Oh – sorry – ah cyah make it”?
Is it okay when I am pulled on the carpet and rakes over the coals by priest and parishioner alike about the inconsistencies of my ministry and what do I intend to do about it as LEADER?
Is it that I must be long suffering because I am the leader? Do I smile and grin outwardly when inside I am boiling?
When am I allowed to honestly express my lack of enthusiasm with a group that seems to function at their convenience and not as prescribed?
Is it okay to say that I currently lead a phantom group of ever disappearing members?
How do I make my feelings known to a people whoa re never around? Is it that I need to email them?
Why is it that someone always has to be called before they can say that they will not be there?
What happened to the commitment to serve? Is it that it expires after a certain number of years?
I remember a few years ago I made the statement that I was physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted with church life, but I’m still here.
Well … multiply that first feeling by 100 and see and feel how I do at this point, particularly when I feel like I am standing alone in the wilderness with no support from the people that I supposedly lead.
I know that we are now grown and that commitments will change with age and status, as well as the advent of additional responsibilities, but have we not one measly hour to spend with the Lord?
I had a conversation this morning with one of me home girls.We were actually bemoaning the generation that followed us into the world, and after a while I smiled and then giggled to myself as it dawned on me that I – we in fact – had become all the things that we vowed not to … the kind of people who compared our generation to the next.
I do believe that this particular comparison was however warranted.
We were discussing the lack of finesse in the generation after.The finesse I refer to has to do with the relationship tip of life.What has happened to flirting, coquettish batting of eyelashes, side-long glances, suggestive smiles and witty banter and repartee?
Has anyone else noticed that everything sexual, relationship based or even vaguely suggestive is just ‘out there’?Where and when did it change?
I remember the days – God I sound old – when a fella had to guess and do some serious math to know what a particular look from a woman meant or what the touch of her hand meant or even a word or sentence.He had to do the research … ask friends … talk to other females … whatever was needed in order for him to be sure that he wasn’t misreading the signals.And it was the same for us girls at times, although our male counterparts were not and – sorry fellas – still are not as ‘poetic’ as we girls were and are.I mean come on … do any of the young men today have a clue about double entendre and good old fashion punning?Are they no longer paying attention to the men who started it all – James Bond and The Saint?
Conversations from a few years ago went like this
Male: hey beautiful
Female (if responsive): well aren’t you sweet
Male: you have no idea
Female: oh really now … how sweet
Male: I could give you cavities
(poor line we know, but a responsive female would lap this shit up)
Female: good thing I know a good dentist … (here’s where the shifting of position takes place, in order to let the man know that she’s interested, but not so drastic a shift as to give the shit away…)
Male: you have beautiful eyes
Female: thanks … (here comes the fluttering of the eyelashes all of a sudden … the poor man is besotted)
Male: can I buy you a drink?
Female (to continue the mystery): maybe another time
She make then get up and touch his arm as she walks away, just to make contact, ad the poor besotted fool is left there to stare after her or begin questioning the other men there as to who she is and where she can be found again.That is what mystery is all about…
Here’s what that same convo sounds like today
Male: hey
Female: hey
Male: wanna fuck?
Female: sure
Male: my place
Female: no mine – I have waffles…
I mean… come the hell on!
What’s left people??!I yearn for the days of mystery in relationships.I would love to see people actually date instead of just hooking up and being used up.
I long to see young people holding hands and stealing kisses instead of dressing like street walkers and acting like whores on corners – male and female.
I know that this may sound bitter but it’s not bitterness … it’s sadness really… it’s a mourning for the days of gentile behaviour and true love – the kind of love that grew from TAKING THE TIME TO KNOW EACH OTHER…
As we approach the end of another year, we are once again faced with the challenge of preparing for what lies ahead.
Many of us have made life-changing decisions over the past twelve months – some easily and others that required a lot of soul searching and prayer; even counseling in some cases. There are those of us who have continued to exist and not live, as well as the others who have lived so hard that they are now unsure as to what the next move may be.
The 31st of December in every year can sometimes rain dread into the hearts of some of us mortals because this it usually the time when we promise ourselves and others the moon and the stars in the realm of self modification … we are apt to generate a list of lofty ‘pie-in-the-sky’ ideals and projects, that we know we are not going to attempt. Some of us know this even as we set about writing said lists down.
Last year I made the statement that I was going to make revolutions and not resolutions, and I was able to start a couple revolutions in my life and in the lives of a few that are near and dear to me.
This year I want to make a suggestion for those of us who have finally decided that we are ready to free ourselves of our baggage.
This is an exercise called THE FIRE OF FORGETFULNESS. The premise behind it is that all of the things that you would want to leave behind – bad habits, old lovers, deadweight friendships, former coworkers and bosses – whatever it is that may be eating at your core, you cast into the flames and release them forever. It may be a barbeque pit, a coal-pot, a fireplace … whatever it is that you can get your hands on; make your list as honestly as you can and then after asking your Higher Source and Power for the strength to leave all these things behind, you cast the list into the Fire of Forgetfulness and attempt to begin the year afresh and renewed, knowing that you have put all that may have ailed you, rubbed your spirit raw or even affected the way that you interacted with the ones you love has been cast into the flames of love and renewal.
I would go on to suggest that this be done on New Year’s Eve at some point. Those of us who are able to complete this at midnight should do so … if it has to be done in the day then so be it, but just get it done!
Finally I wish all of you all the best for the coming New Year. I wish you all of your heart’s desires, as well as all that the Master may have planned for you.
Things have changed in my life --- I’ve made some major decisions and I chose the fork in the road that I wish to follow …
The interesting thing is that I’ve changed my status and all of a sudden, there are people yelling at me from all points of the globe that I must be crazy. “Say it ain’t so!” yelled one friend; “Explain!” shouted another. One of them even accused the system of making the change – it certainly could not have been me…
It’s all amusing I think, and touching as well. I never realized how many people counted on my relationship lasting the way THEY wanted it to. Truth be known I was one of them, but circumstances have conspired to make sure that things went otherwise.
It must be hard for so many of my friends to understand why I have made this decision, just the way that it was easy for others to get it as well. I reflect now on the conversations that I have had over the past week with certain members of my inner sanctum, and I am amazed at the responses that I received form some people. I have since been told by a few choice members that they were just waiting for me to get to this point of realization and revelation.
The process has not been an easy one … I have cried and yelled and meditated and worried and even guilted myself at times, and that’s fine too.
Many have wondered what my reasons are for this change, for this shift of the status quo, and it is relatively simple… I refuse to allow myself to be treated as an option and not a priority in the life of the man who is supposed to cherish my heart. I refuse to allow former pain and insecurity to dictate the pace of my relationship. I can no longer stand by and wait until the man who declares love for me finally decides that he is prepared to move forward, while I stand in tide waters which constantly rise due to my feet being cemented into the shores of stasis.
This was no easy decision making process. This has been my perceived happiness for over four years. The fortunate or unfortunate thing depending on your point of view is that four years can be broken down and dissected in four weeks, four days, even four hours whenever change must be made.
I finally realized that I have allowed myself to accept the half measures that were meted out to me and considered myself ‘pseudo-happy’ in the process. So comfortable was I in my perceived bliss that I convinced myself that this life of lack was my assigned lot. Should this be so, then I have now changed my assignment.
I deserve more than the scraps from any man’s emotional table. I deserve to be treated like the precious soul and woman that I am. I deserve more than lip service and dammit I deserve the position of FIRST in the life of the man who holds my heart … in the same way that I give of myself, I expect like treatment in return.
So …
The door to yesterday has been firmly shut, and yes there is a part of me that will always love him and what he represented for me. The door to tomorrow has been opened and it is time for me to walk through … and that I intend to do joyously. Your choice if you come with me or no … I hope you do but if you don’t then …
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